i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
