How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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