just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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