and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize