Your face is a jimmy john
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
