You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
