"it" just moved
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
