Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize