youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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