just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We left an ass print on the piano.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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