I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
