I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
