some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
