New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dicks are not precious.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
