weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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