dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
