Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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