He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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