no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
