Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
