good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
