So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
