I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
