I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
