I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
