Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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