Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
