WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
