just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
