On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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