pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just found puke in my bra..
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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