but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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