Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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