I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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