Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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