yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I touched a dick in church today
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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