: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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