chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
