I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
