so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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