I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
