dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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