marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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