I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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