the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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