I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
