Swine flu. Run for my life!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
