I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
