I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
