I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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