I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
