Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
