I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
