I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize