i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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