I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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