captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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