My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
