she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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