I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
