why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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