Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
