I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
