There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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