Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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