new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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