Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize