i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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