Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
