just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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