Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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