i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
