i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
