dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
